Just Breathe

In highschool all we ever wanted to do was to fit in. Conformity was always something we strived for. We wanted to feel like we weren't alone, like we weren't individuals in a hurricane, looking for something to hold onto. So we all congregated together, wore the same clothes, bought the same cd's, had crushes on the same people. We hung out in the cafeteria at lunch time in our cliques and we felt loved and appreciated for the first time since we stepped into that school. The clouds of inadequacy seemed to have slowly passed by for the most part.

As we grew older and parted ways for university, we held onto those bonds we formed in highschool in hopes that we wouldn't be lost again in our new surroundings. Once again, placed in a new environment, our footing wasn't so sure anymore. A bigger school, more new faces walking about, but we were less afraid because we made it through highschool. Soon we found out that it was pretty easy to meet new people, form new bonds, and recreated that comfort group. We walked around campus and made idle small talk with acquaintances we had met at some party thrown by so and so. Feeling comfortable again in our surroundings, we forgot for a moment about being self-conscious. Everyone was in the same boat -- we attended the same classes; we read the same books; we stressed over the same exams; we saw the same movies; we ate at the same restaurants, we drank with the same people; the same people came in and out of our dorm rooms 24/7.

Graduation arrived and we were so happy to have finally made it but at the same time sad to see everyone leave that place we called home for 4, sometimes 5, years. Again we promised ourselves to keep the bonds we formed in university, naively convincing ourselves that the party continued and that we would always be there for each other. Then one day we found ourselves alone, sitting in our office, doing work we don't really enjoy, and realizing that most of the bonds we had formed in the past have slowly faded like the leaves in autumn. All that comfort and solace we strived to find in belonging to a group and thought we found, was false comfort.

The irony is that for years we thought the solution to feeling alone and insignificant was to find a herd of sheep and blend in, when in fact, we should have spent time figuring out that we weren't sheep, and that even though we are different from each other -- people still liked us. So now we struggle to separate our mentality from that of the herd in hopes that we can find our own identity. To find that we aren't just like everyone else, but that we are a beautiful unique snowflake.

So here I sit wishing I was different -- an accent; a limp; purple hair; two left feet -- anything. Something that sets me apart from everyone else. I now try to make my way back and find the real me in the crowd I created for myself. It's so lonely being common.